Your First Posting: what may Catch YOU Off Guard
Just arrived at your first diplomatic posting? Good. You should be excited. But let me tell you what nobody mentioned in the pre-departure briefing.
The first year will surprise you. Not in terrible ways, but in ways that make you wonder why nobody told you that. Knowing what is coming may not make it easy, but it will help you stop thinking you are doing something wrong and start supporting yourself.
Here are three things that may catch you off guard.
First, you and your partner are living parallel postings. They walk into an office on day one. Desk, colleagues, purpose, structure. You walk into an empty flat, wondering what you are supposed to do until Thursday. They come home excited and exhausted from meetings. You have been alone all day and need to talk. Neither of you can see what the other actually experiences and needs. Resentment may build faster than you think.
Second, work is not waiting for you. Some countries will not let you work at all. Others will, but only after months of permits and paperwork. Even if you find something, be it remote work, a local job, or volunteering, it will rarely look like the career you left behind. And that may sting more than you expected.
Third, the small things may hit harder than they should. The unfamiliar grocery store. The internet cuts out during calls. The afternoons that stretch out with nobody to talk to. These are not big problems on paper. But when you are building a life from scratch, they may land like punches.
So what helps?
Stop blaming yourself. The system is not built around you, and you have no control over most of these challenges. Beating yourself up will not remove them. The first year feels difficult because it is difficult. Hold onto that truth when your brain tries to convince you that you are simply not grateful enough or adaptable enough. Self-compassion will make all the difference here.
Claim your time like it matters. Your partner has a schedule handed to them. You need to build your own. And while you are building your life from scratch, in a foreign country in a foreign language, something small that is just yours is important. A gym class at 8 am. Coffee at the same café every Tuesday. A walk after dinner. Catching up with news in your professional field. Whatever it is, plan it, do it, defend it. When someone tries to book over it, say no. You need a structure that belongs to you, not just routines built around someone else's calendar.
Choose your people carefully. Some friends back home will say, "But you are living the dream, why aren’t you happy?" when you try to explain your day. Those people cannot help you right now. Find the ones who will listen without fixing. Talk to your partner about what your days actually feel like, and listen to what theirs feel like. You will not always agree, but you need to keep the connection alive.
Get help when you need it. If the weight does not lift after a few months, find a therapist who understands diplomatic life. There are not many of us out there, but we are there for you. Join a support group. Find a mentor among the spouses who have been here longer. Getting help is how you get through, not proof that you are weak. You deserve support while you figure this out.
And one more warning: watch out for the voice that tells you this should be easier. That you should be handling it better. That other spouses seem fine, so what is wrong with you? Nothing is wrong with you. Yes, looking at a glass half full and staying hopeful that it will get better is a good idea. But the pressure of the first posting is real. The barriers to life as you knew it are real. And no, you are not failing.
If you need someone who gets it, book a session. I work with diplomatic spouses every day. And I have been there myself and interviewed hundreds of spouses and partners. Let me help you navigate the first year without losing yourself in the process.
Photo by Liubov Ilchuk on Unsplash
