Why Your First Posting May Disrupt More Than Just Your Career
In my previous post, I discussed the three shocks that catch new diplomatic spouses off guard. Today I want to explain why those shocks may hit so hard.
Three months from now, you might have applied to an online job or two, joined various groups, filled your calendar. You are doing what everyone told you to do. And you may still be feeling empty.
According to Self-Determination Theory, your brain needs three things to feel good: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Back home, your life was meeting these needs. Now you are building a new life on a posting, and the posting may be chipping away at all three. Let’s see how these three needs are being met on your first posting.
‘Autonomy’ means control over your choices.
Back home, you decided where to live, how to spend money, and whether to take a job. On posting, many decisions shift. Your partner's assignment determines the location. Their salary may pay for everything, and they may be in the driving seat of how to spend it. Lack of a legal framework for your work controls whether you can apply for jobs. One spouse told me she could not even open a bank account alone. Another needed embassy approval to volunteer in a certain field. Others found it difficult to share their opinions on LinkedIn. Small things. But they add up.
‘Competence’ means feeling capable and effective.
You were good at your job. You knew how systems worked. On posting, you might struggle with finding the food you and your family are used to or navigating the new city without a support network. You may spend hours trying to register for a service. Tasks that took minutes now take days, and a lot of your energy. Your professional skills may feel irrelevant. Your expertise may not transfer. You may go from running teams to struggling with basic logistics.
'Relatedness' means connection to people.
Back home, you had colleagues who understood your work. Friends who knew your history. On posting, especially during the first year, connections become harder. Your partner is consumed by work, mentally elsewhere. The embassy sees you as "the spouse of" if they see you at all. Friends back home think you are on an adventure and cannot understand when you mention struggling.
So what can you do?
Stop beating yourself up. When all three needs get disrupted, feeling destabilised will be a normal response to an abnormal situation. You are adapting to a massive change. Is it your challenge? Yes. Is it your fault? No.
Name what you might lose. Before you move or during your first months, write it down. Autonomy: What decisions will no longer be yours? How will you deal with it? Competence: Which of your skills do you expect to transfer to this new context? What new skills may you need to learn? Relatedness: Who from your old life can genuinely support you through this? What kind of connections will you look for upon arrival?
Talk to your partner. Get them on board with this journey. Before you move or right after, discuss how the first posting may affect your couple's life and yours in particular. Prevention is always better than dealing with a crisis.
Learn to juggle, literally. The spouses who landed more softly found ways to keep an eye on all three needs. Some started with financial safety (autonomy), others with friendships (relatedness), and others with activities where they felt skilled beyond housework and family management (competence). Start with the one that feels most crucial, but keep building the other two in parallel.
And last: You will make it. I know it from my own experience and from what I have heard from many spouses I work with. The question is how fast you can realise you are not the problem, and do something about it.
If you need someone who understands, book a session. I work with diplomatic spouses every day. And I know what it feels like when all three needs shift at once, and how to teach you to juggle.
Photo by Marije Woudsma on Unsplash
