You have chosen to follow your partner.
Can you choose not to disappear too?
You imagine an adventure: culture, travel, more time with family. In reality, your partner walks into structure and purpose, while you inherit the rest — housing, schools, repairs, paperwork — often in a new language, without your own network. The routines that once defined you vanish. You go from professional to “spouse of,” quietly losing the anchors that kept you steady. You do not have to wait until you are overwhelmed to act. There are ways to prepare now so you can keep your footing from day one.
first posting: what nobody told you
Before the move, you shared tasks and time. You were one of those fun couples. And after, one of you has a career that fills their days, the other manages the home, the crises, and the invisible work that keeps life going. The gap between your experiences grows quickly. You speak different “daily languages” and spend less time together than you imagined. Without care, this distance hardens into resentment. How can you keep your partnership free from resentment and equal, even when the system that sent you there is not? It won’t happen by chance. So what are your options?
Couple on the move: partnership or not?
Financial (In)DepenDence
When only one person’s name is on the contract and they are the only provider, the balance can tilt fast. Money stops feeling like “ours.” Decisions start being made by the earner. Even without bad intent, the dependent partner can end up feeling like a child who needs to ask, not an adult. Financial safety of a diplomatic spouse or partner is not a simple question, nor is it an easy one. But it is what lets you breathe, plan, and feel equal in your own home.
Who Am I now?
Your old answer to “What do you do?” no longer applies. The titles, routines, and recognition you built over the years are gone. You may be present as a “spouse of”. But something in it feels wrong, uncomfortable. You are left with space — sometimes welcome, sometimes frightening — to redefine and reinvent yourself. But in the whirlwind of a busy diplomatic life and all the house chores, it is easy to forget who you were before “spouse of” became your headline. Do you choose to disappear or to rebuild yourself?
Male partners: how do you fit in?
When most people picture a “diplomatic spouse,” they imagine a woman. If you are a man in this role, you may find you are the only one in the room or absent from the invitation list entirely. The expectations, the support networks, even the language used are built with someone else in mind. That can leave you feeling like a guest in a world that does not see you. And judges you a lot. You deserve support that fits your reality. Are you ready to get it?
LGBT Partners: how will it work for you?
Diplomatic life can be complex enough. Add being part of a same-sex couple, and you face unique questions: Will the host country recognise your marriage? Will you be safe to be open? How will official events handle or ignore your presence? Each posting can change the rules. Each posting brings more questions. You should not have to choose between your safety and your visibility. But what if you are pushed to?
Foreign-Born Spouses: a challenging Gambit
For many spouses, the move abroad means stepping into a new country. For you, it can mean navigating three: your partner’s posting country, their home country, and your own. Every layer brings different rules, paperwork, and unspoken expectations. And often in a language you do not understand, and with your home no longer feeling like your home. Can you build a life that feels like home, even when “home” is a moving target?
going back home: How?
After years abroad, you expect home to feel familiar. Instead, you might feel like a stranger in the very place you used to belong. Friends have moved on. Your old work world has changed. The pace, the culture, even the supermarket can feel foreign. Nobody warned you that “coming back” is its own kind of relocation. How can you land gently and re-anchor, even when home feels new again?