Couple on the move
I wish somebody had told me this: the diplomatic life will test your relationship in ways you probably have not imagined. And if there are already cracks, this life will find them and make them bigger.
I see it all the time. Couples arrive thinking they are ready. They might have even had the big conversations, promised each other this would be an adventure they were taking together. But within weeks, something shifts. One of you has a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, a business card (and money). The other is staring at empty days, wondering what they are supposed to look like now.
The imbalance creeps in whether you want it to or not. One of you works, travels, gets recognition. The other… follows. Even when you try to resist it, good intentions are no match for the structure you are living in. And then the blame begins. The diplomat thinks, “I am supporting us financially, what more do you want?” The partner thinks, “You get to have a life, and I am just supposed to be grateful?” Both of you are frustrated, and both of you are right.
Most couples underestimate how hard this really is. And they miss where the problem lies. The easiest option is silence, not talking about it, hoping it will even out on its own. Some believe that if they just try harder, they can keep things equal. But you cannot “fix” yourself out of an environment that is tilted from the start.
And I have seen so many spouses turn the frustration inward. How can I be happier without work? How can I stop wanting financial independence? How can I find meaning in this role? The diplomat, not knowing what else to do, may point fingers: “Go fix yourself.” But you cannot “fix” yourself out of wanting normal human things like purpose and autonomy.
It does not sound very promising, does it? And yet, here is what I believe: Your couple is not breaking. You are simply trying to maintain equality in an environment built for hierarchy. And that means you need more support than you probably think. That support might be couples therapy, a church, a seasoned friend. It might be harder conversations about what is really going on. It might just be saying out loud: this is difficult instead of pretending it should be easy.
The goal is not to fight the challenges alone or against each other. The goal is to turn towards each other and ask: While the environment is what it is, how can we make it work for both of us?
