He Says He's Done With Diplomatic Life

Hello,

My partner told me last week he’s done with diplomatic life. Two postings were enough. He wants to go home. I am thirty-six and I’ve barely started. During diplomatic training I used to dream about hardship postings, all those places where you can actually make a difference. But he wanted easier countries, places where he could work, where life would not be too difficult. So that is what we did. Two postings in comfortable European capitals.

And now he tells me his career is stale, he does not want to travel anymore, we are going back for good. The postings that actually matter, the ones where I could shape policy, those are still ahead. And he is telling me we are done. I do not know what to do.

A Diplomat

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Dear Diplomat, 

You are dealing with a structural incompatibility that diplomatic systems are designed to hide until it detonates. And for female diplomats specifically, there is a pattern here that almost nobody addresses openly until it is too late.

Here is what makes this particularly dangerous: the system assumes your partner will follow indefinitely because that is what diplomatic spouses have done for centuries. And your partner did follow, twice. He lived in cities where he could work haphazardly. He smiled at receptions where he was introduced as your spouse, not by his name. And now he is telling you the truth: this system does not work for him anymore.

What you are facing is not whether he loves you enough or whether you are too ambitious. You are facing a question the diplomatic service has never successfully answered for female diplomats. How to stay equal and happy in a system that doesn’t envision equality…And the cost of getting this wrong is higher than you realise.

Why Compromises Fail

Most female diplomats in this position try to negotiate compromises. One more posting. A shorter assignment. A location where he can work. Separate postings with regular visits. These compromises can buy you 12-18 months. But they rarely resolve what is actually driving the ultimatum. And here is what makes this particularly costly: every month you spend trying to find middle ground is a month where you are managing his unhappiness, questioning your ambitions, and avoiding the actual decision.

The pattern escalates. First it is negotiations about location. Then it is guilt about promotions. Then it is resentment from both of you about whose life matters more. And if children enter the picture, the stakes become impossible.

You may have already tried a lot. Communicating better so he changes his mind. Searching for the right posting where both of you can thrive. Learning how to compromise more effectively. Alas, none of that addresses what is happening between the two of you and what can really bring peace to your couple.

It Sounds Hopeless, But It Is Not

There is no article that will tell you how to resolve this. The resolution requires examining what is actually negotiable within diplomatic structures, what your partner genuinely needs versus what he thinks he should want, and what you are willing to build your career on. This requires someone who understands both the diplomatic system’s constraints and the relationship dynamics these constraints create.

Generic couples therapy will tell you to communicate better. But your problem is not communication. Diplomatic HR will give you a book about dual-career couples. This may upset you even more - why is your couple not one of those couples that work? Neither addresses your challenge: finding your couple’s way in a system was never built for both of you.

This is exactly what the Posting Performance Intensive for couples addresses. Over six sessions spanning three months, we map what is driving this ultimatum, identify what is structurally negotiable versus what requires genuine sacrifice from each side, and determine what strategy works for your couple. It’s intense but also it’s less than what six months of unresolved tension may cost your work performnce and your relationship.

Book now. I work with one new diplomatic couple per month. If your partner has told you he is done, it’s time we talk.

Photo by Alexander Mass on Unsplash