“I've tried everything, but my spouse still isn't settling in”

Hi! 

We moved six months ago. I really wanted this job, and honestly, I feel like I'm finally doing what I trained for all these years.

But my wife is miserable. She hasn't found her footing here. She says she feels isolated. She’s often frustrated when I come home, and almost every conversation we have seems to circle back to how much she struggles here.

I've tried to help. I've suggested activities, introduced her to my colleagues and their spouses, and encouraged her to take language classes. Nothing seems to work. She says I don't understand, that I'm never home, that I care more about my career than her happiness.

And I don’t know. I am working long hours. But what am I supposed to do? This is my job! This is what we signed up for. I feel stuck. I can't fix her unhappiness, and I can't enjoy what should be an incredible opportunity because I feel guilty all the time. What am I missing?

A Diplomat

***

Dear Diplomat, 

You are six months in your first posting but it sounds like both of you are struggling, just in different ways. Before we talk about what you can do, let’s look at what is actually happening here.

Are you trying to save her or stand by her when she is saving herself?

When she says she is unhappy, what does she mean? Is it loneliness? Not knowing who she is without her job anymore? Anger at feeling like a passenger in her own life? And when you say you have tried to help, what does that look like: problem-solving, finding another way to help her, or listening?

I know there is this idea that diplomatic life is glamorous and that diplomats and their families are extremely privileged. That adapting should be nice and easy and that you both just need to soldier on. But that is not true. And it may be getting in the way of what she actually needs from you right now.

Quite often, one person is trying to fix while the other is trying to be heard. It may be your discomfort with her struggle. It may be your own way of dealing with things. But this mismatch of what you are giving and what she may need may reate more distance, not less. 

What did you both expect the first posting to feel like?

Did you talk about what life would look like before you moved? Not logistics, but the emotional stuff. Did she imagine she would build a life here quickly? Did you assume she would find her own rhythm fast while you focused on work? Did you both expect that saying “we are in this together” would just happen?

Expectations shape everything. If they were different, or if they were never spoken out loud, you may be dealing with two versions of what this posting was supposed to be. And you may be surprised how different these two stories may sound. 

What is negotiable?

You say this is what you signed up for together. But did she sign up for this exact version of it? Long hours, minimal time together, a life built entirely around your work schedule, no meaning of her own as she was used to?

I am not saying you are wrong to work hard. But if the life you are living is not working for both of you, something has to shift. What are you willing to change within the parameters you are given by your emoloyer? What is she willing to try? And have you actually asked each other that question? 

What happens if nothing changes?

If the next six months look like the last six, where does that leave you both? We know from life that uncomfortable patterns don’t fix themselves. They often escalate or go tunderground. 

You might feel like you are holding it together, but resentment may build up. Hers towards you for not being present or holding space for her while she figures out this completely new setting. Yours towards her for not adapting fast enough (or at all). And both of you: missing the old couple you were back home. And eventually, you are two people living separate lives in the same house, in a foreign country.

What you can do right now

Stop trying to fix her unhappiness. You cannot make her settle in. And you cannot solve this for her. But you can sit down together and talk about what is not working. Not in passing, nor squeezed between work calls. A conversation where you both say how things are, slowly, trying to hear each other.

Yes, you facing your guilt for bringing the person you love to an environment that may be difficult. Yes, her facing the discomfort of saying out loud but without attacking the things that do not work for her. You asking her what she needs (not what you think she needs). And then asking yourself what you are willing to do differently.

This is a challenge you both did not expect on your first posting. But it is also a chance for you to grow stronger together.

You are six months in. That is still early enough to course-correct. Do not wait for things to improve on their own. They will not. Start talking.

P.S. If you need someone to facilitate this conversation, you know where to find me.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash