Are Diplomatic Couples Fighting About the Wrong Thing?

You had another loud or silent fight last night. Maybe it started with one of your usuals: why you can’t say no to your ambassador or why they are always at work when you need them (insert yours). And then it escalated. Words you did not mean to say. Silence that lasted hours. This morning, neither of you knows how to move past it, so you just carry on like it did not happen. And then that official reception tonight where you both have to smile and pretend everything is fine.

Here is what each of you is probably thinking: If we could just communicate better, this would not keep happening. The diplomat may think: my partner does not understand the pressure I am under and what I do for our family. The spouse may think: my partner does not see what I gave up to be here and to support their career. Both of you are working harder to make yourselves understood and seen. And somehow it is getting worse, not better with every single posting.

You are not imagining it. Your communication probably did get worse on posting. But I want you to consider something uncomfortable: what if communication is only part of the problem?

You Are Not Fighting About What You Think You Are Fighting About

When you argue about who does more, who understands less, who sacrifices more, you think you are fighting about fairness, effort, and appreciation. And maybe you are. But more often, you are fighting to avoid a much harder question.

That question is: Even if we understood each other perfectly, even if we communicated flawlessly, would diplomatic posting setup actually work for both of us?

Most couples do not ask that question. It is terrifying. Because if the answer is no, then you made a choice that is costing you both in ways you cannot control. The diplomat avoids facing: "I brought us into something that is hurting the person I love." The spouse avoids facing: "I agreed to something I cannot sustain, and now I feel trapped."

So instead, you stay in the blame-resentment loop. You blame each other for not trying hard enough. You blame yourselves for not adjusting fast enough. You blame the system: the Ministry, the posting, the lack of support. The loop keeps you busy but kills your connection and leaves both of you more vulnerable to everything diplomatic life throws at you. No change happens because you are not looking at what is actually creating the strain.

What the Posting Does to Your Couple

Diplomatic life does two things most couples are not prepared for.

It exposes what was not working but could be ignored before the move. Maybe you never learned to discuss money as equals, and now one of you is financially dependent and the conversation is unbearable. Maybe one person's career always mattered more, but it was hidden when you both had jobs. Maybe you never truly functioned as partners, but busy life with jobs, kids, friends and extended family at headquarters masked it.

The posting does not create those problems. It reveals them, like a mirror. And then it adds new pressure on top, pressure that ordinary couples back home simply do not face.

It strips away the things that let you manage stress back home. The spouse loses career, financial independence, and support networks. The diplomat loses boundaries with work bleeding into everything, sometimes even Christmases and family emergencies. You both lose the physical and emotional space you used to have from each other back home. The majority of protective factors are gone on a posting. 

From "What's Wrong With You?" to "What's Happening to Us?"

If I were to ask you (the diplomat or the spouse) today, you would probably say your partner is the problem. And you might be right about what you are seeing. But what if you are both looking at symptoms, not causes?

I am not saying communication does not matter. It does. If you cannot talk to each other, you cannot solve anything. But if you fix your communication without seeing what you are actually up against, you will just communicate better about the wrong problem.

So what if the real problem is not that you do not understand each other, but that you are trying to maintain equality in an environment built for hierarchy? What if it is not that one of you is failing to adjust fast enough or to be more compassionate, but that the structure is asking things of both of you that are fundamentally challenging and unfair?

2026: The Year of the Diplomatic Couple

Last year, I worked with diplomatic spouses and diplomats separately. Quite a few on both sides said the same things: "I miss the way we were back home" and "How come our relationship is not a safe place anymore?"

I decided to dedicate 2026 to the diplomatic couple. Not one partner trying to fix themselves or understand the other. But bring both of you into the picture, together.

We are going to look at what this life does to diplomatic couples and their partership. How the spouse feels. How the diplomat feels. What each of you needs. And whether the diplomatic life can give you both what you need. The off-the-cuff answer is not really. But you deserve to know the nuances: why the structure makes it difficult and how you can deal with it. Together.

So if you want to understand what is really happening to your couple, stay with me. Next week, we look at the environment your couple is living in, how it may be affecting your relationship, and why seeing it clearly matters. 

And if you have questions about a couple on a posting or between postings, send them to me at olga.shumylo@gmail.com. I want to know what you are dealing with. Comment below if it resonates or stirs something in you.

Photo by Nathanaël Desmeules on Unsplash