Creating Your Financial Partnership Agreement: The Conversation Your couple Needs (But No One Taught You How to Have)

…and no one told you, you have the right to have it.

You know you need to talk about money. You have known for months, maybe years. The arithmetic we discussed two weeks ago? The stages you recognised yourself in last week? You cannot fix those alone. At some point, you need to stop calculating in silence and start talking out loud. But every time you try to bring it up, something stops you. The timing is never right. Your partner is stressed. You do not want to seem ungrateful. You are afraid of the conflict it might create.

So you stay silent. And the arithmetic continues. The gap between financial dependency and financial partnership grows wider. And one day you wake up and realise you have been carrying this alone for so long that you no longer know how to share it.

Why this conversation feels impossible

You are not avoiding this conversation because the stakes feel impossibly high, and nobody ever taught you how to have it without turning it into a fight. You need to talk about the power imbalance without making them feel like the villain. You need to ask for security without sounding like you are planning to leave. You need to acknowledge your vulnerability without seeming ungrateful. And this is a herculean task.

But here is the truth: avoiding this conversation does not make you safer. It makes you more vulnerable. Because every day you do not talk about it is another day the imbalance becomes more entrenched, more normal, more difficult to change.

What you are really negotiating

When you finally sit down to have this conversation, you might think you are talking about bank accounts or money. But you are not. What you are actually negotiating is far more fundamental:

Recognition. You need your partner to see that your unpaid labour has economic value, that your career pause was real, and that your vulnerability is not imagined.

Power. You need equal voice in financial decisions, equal access to information, and equal security about your future.

Equal partnership. You need to move from “my money that I share with you” to “our money that we both control.”

And beneath all of that, you are negotiating safety. You need to know that if something goes wrong, you will not be left with nothing.

This is why the conversation feels so terrifying, not knowing whether your relationship can handle this level of honesty.

The preparation nobody tells you about

You cannot have a productive conversation about something you have not yet clarified for yourself. Before you sit down with your partner, do sit down with yourself.

Get clear on what you actually need. What would make you feel genuinely financially secure? A separate account with automatic monthly transfers? Private pension contributions in your name? An emergency fund you can access without asking? Investments or property in your name? Write it down. Make it specific. Vague requests like “I just want to feel more secure” give your partner nothing to work with.

Understand your contributions. Make a list of everything you do that supports their career and your family’s life. Then quantify it. What would it cost to replace your labour? This is not about keeping score. This is about having data.

Explore your losses. What was your salary before you became financially dependent? How much could you afford to spend? What did your career progression look like before the move?

List the risks you are carrying. What happens if your partner loses their job? If you divorce? If they die? These questions feel morbid. But you are already carrying these risks whether you acknowledge them or not. And these risks are often among the biggest fears of spouses.

How to start the conversation

The way you frame this conversation determines whether your partner hears it as an attack or as an invitation to solve a problem together.

Do not frame it as an accusation. “You control all the money” will make them defend themselves, not listen to you. Present it as partnership building. “I want us to create a financial structure that actually reflects the partnership we both say we have.” Suggest it as protection for both of you. “If something happened to you tomorrow, I would not know where anything is.” Underline it as a couple’s growth. “The arrangement we created five years ago made sense then, but our situation has changed.”

The goal is to make your partner feel like you are on the same team, solving a shared problem, not opponents fighting over who gets to be right.

The questions that open doors

This is not a one-time conversation. Start with information gathering. Where is all your money? What accounts exist? What are the balances? What investments do you have? Many financially dependent spouses discover they do not actually know the answers to these basic questions.

Ask about your complete financial picture. Assets? Debts? Pension situation? Insurance coverage? Ask how financial decisions are made. Who decides what? Is this arrangement actually working for both of you, or has it just become normal?

What to actually ask for

Once you have clarified what you need, ask for it. Don’t hint at it. Ask directly, specifically, concretely. Go through a list of things you would need to feel safer.

• “I need a separate bank account in my name with automatic monthly transfers of X amount so I have financial autonomy.”

• “I need us to set up a private pension in my name with monthly contributions that recognise my career break due to your career growth.”

• “I need us to review our complete financial picture together every quarter.”

Each request is specific enough to be implemented. Each one explains why it matters. Each one frames it as something you need, not something you would like.

When they resist (and they will)

Your partner will resist. Not necessarily because they are cruel, but because this threatens the status quo.

They might say, “I thought we were partners.” You can respond: “We are. That is why I need us to create structures that reflect that partnership.”

They might say, “You can have whatever you want.” You can respond: “I appreciate that. And I need it formalised so I do not have to keep asking.”

They might say, “This feels like you do not trust me.” You can respond: “This is not about trust. This is about building security that does not depend on any one person.”

Stay calm. Keep bringing the conversation back to what you need and why it matters for both of you. Do not be distracted by their opposition.

And I know some of you think that the one who brought you there should start this conversation and should propose solutions to make you feel safer. I agree, it would be great if they did. But most working partners do not. It is unfair and often infuriating. But let us be realistic, it is your responsibility to take care of your safety and future.

What happens next

If the conversation works, you have done the hardest part. Now comes implementation. Creating the accounts. Setting up the transfers. Making it work. And remember, it’s not going to be set in stone. You have the right to sit down again and re-negotiate.

If the conversation does not work, if your partner refuses to engage or dismisses your concerns, you have learned something important. You have three choices. Accept the situation (not advisable). Leave the relationship (not desirable). Or get help through couples therapy with someone who understands financial power dynamics (quite possible). But do not keep having the same conversation that goes nowhere.

If you need help preparing for this conversation, if you need support having it, if you need to process what happens after, let us talk. I work with diplomatic spouses dealing with these issues every day.

Photo by Etienne Boulanger on Unsplash