The Unspoken Arithmetic: How Financial Dependency Shows Up in Your Life

You don’t notice when it starts. There is no single moment when you become financially dependent. Just a gradual, quiet shift in how you move through your day.

One morning, you are holding something you want in a shop. Not something extravagant. A book. A birthday gift for a friend. A box of funny socks. And before you reach for your card, something happens. A pause.

Do I really need this? Should I mention this later? Will I need to explain it?

That pause? That is the arithmetic of financial dependency. And once it starts, it never stops.

The mathematics you never asked to learn

Financial dependency is not just about not earning money, but the mental mathematics you perform dozens of times a day. 

You calculate whether a purchase needs justification. Your partner buys running shoes without discussion. You rehearse a conversation about needing new boots. That is arithmetic.

You calculate your worth in invisible labour. You manage house moves, support your partner’s career, coordinate school transitions, host networking dinners. None of it shows up on a payslip, so when you want to spend on yourself, you wonder: Have I earned this? That is inequality.

You calculate the power dynamics of every financial conversation. When is it safe to bring up money? How do I frame this so it doesn’t sound ungrateful? That is a strategy.

You calculate your future in someone else’s pension. They discuss retirement. You silently wonder: what happens to me if this doesn’t work out? That is gambling.

This is the daily reality of financial dependency. And the exhausting part? You are doing all these calculations while pretending everything is fine.

When “our money” requires a calculator

Here is what nobody tells you: the phrase “our money” doesn’t automatically create equal financial power. It creates a pleasant fiction you both hide behind.

Your partner genuinely believes the money is shared. They mean it. But belief doesn’t equal reality. Because while they make purchases without internal negotiation, you cannot. While they plan their professional future, you cannot. While they have a growing pension, you do not.

The arithmetic happens entirely in your head. You are the only one calculating, keeping score, running the numbers on “what happens if they lose their job?” or “can I afford to leave if I need to?” or “will I have anything of my own when I'm 65?”

Because these calculations happen silently in the middle of the night, in queues, between conversations, they feel like your personal failure. Like you are the only one who can’t just relax and enjoy this life.

But here is the truth: if you are doing this arithmetic alone, you are not in a financial partnership. You are in a financial dependency. And those are two entirely different things.

The invisible toll

This constant calculation doesn’t just affect your bank account. It affects everything.

Your self-worth. When you need permission to spend, you may feel like a child. When you can’t contribute financially, you may question your value (especially when the housework is kind of considered your duty). 

Your relationship. Every financial conversation becomes loaded. Every purchase becomes a potential conflict.

Your future planning. You can’t make long-term decisions because you don’t know what resources you will have access to.

Your mental health. Yes, your mental health. The constant calculation creates low-grade anxiety that never quite goes away.

And the worst part? You look fine. Your life looks privileged. So when you try to explain how difficult this is, people don’t even understand. Sometimes, even you don’t understand why something that looks so good feels so heavy.

What the arithmetic is actually telling you

If you are constantly calculating, your brain is trying to tell you something: you don’t feel financially secure. And you shouldn’t. Because technically, you are not.

Financial dependency without financial partnership is inherently insecure. It doesn’t matter how much your partner earns or how generous they are. If the power, knowledge, and decision-making are not genuinely shared, you are vulnerable.

That pause before spending? Not you being neurotic. It’s your brain recognising you have to think before you act.

Those calculations about your future? Not pessimism. It’s your brain recognising you have no safety net.

That exhaustion from constantly negotiating your financial existence? Not a weakness. It’s your brain recognising this situation is unsustainable.

Your arithmetic is not the problem. Your arithmetic is the messenger. And it’s time to listen.

So what can you do?

You have three choices. Keep calculating in silence, hoping it gets easier. (It won’t.) Confront your partner without preparation and watch it spiral into conflict. (It will. So, don’t!) Or try something different.

Stop treating financial dependency as something to be ashamed of and start treating it as something to be unfortunately framing your life, and also possible to manage. Stop doing the arithmetic alone and start doing it together. Stop pretending you have a financial partnership and start building one.

This doesn’t mean earning your own money, although it might. This doesn’t mean staying at home while your partner goes on a posting, although for some it does. This means having the conversations you have been avoiding. First with yourself, then with your partner, giving you genuine financial security, not just financial access.

But first, stop pretending the arithmetic is not happening. Stop telling yourself it is fine. 

If you are exhausted from trying to deal with this issue or trying to push it away, let’s talk. I work with diplomatic spouses navigating exactly this reality every day.

Photo by Abhishek Koli on Unsplash